The Man in the Coffin

I've decided to start a new blog entirely devoted to my Lost theories. You can reach it at:

http://man-in-the-coffin.blogspot.com/

This new blog will make it so I can keep this blog focused on my observations about life, language, and the bizarre.

Initial Reaction

Lost is back, brothah.

A Poem

Here's a poem I wrote about six years ago about two friends of mine. I still think it is funny.

Romantic Interlude during a Hike and its Aftermath

The sickly boy and red-haired lass
Were resting ‘neath a tree’s dark shade
Beside a steep and winding path
That twisted upward to a glade.

“Fair lass,” said he that felt so ill,
“Methinks I’d like to kiss thee here
Beneath this tree that guards this hill—
‘twould make me smile ear to ear!”

“Oh silly boy,” the redhead cooed,
“I’d fain thy lusty heart inspire
With kisses as when thou first wooed
Me ere thy sickness stole thy fire…”

“But what?” asked he. “Oh, what can be?
Oh! Dost thou need a change of cast—
Or maybe just a break from me?
Please say, and I will take thy shaft!”

“My silly boy,” the redhead hummed,
“I’ll love thee till the day I die—
And swift that day will surely come
If osculation we now try.”

“Suits me my lusty, lovely miss,”
Declared the standing, sickly boy,
“I’ll risk thy death, for sure thy kiss
Will cure me—not thy life destroy.”

“Okay,” said she with scarlet hair,
“I’ll press my lips against thy two—
Although they seem a pallid pair.”
And so she did and got the flu.

LOST Theories to End All Theories: Part Four

Personally, I think the folks behind Lost are trying too hard to make their twists THE TV EVENT OF THE WEEK!!! I miss their old subtlety. What ever happened to the barely stated "Did he just say what I think he said?" moments that used to end each episode of Lost? They seem to have gone the way of good M. Night Shyamalan movies.

That's not to say that I think Lost has jumped the shark. Far from it. I'm just a little disappointed that the Lostmakers are no longer trying to hide their secrets and clues like a copy of Between Husband and Wife. Maybe they just need to get back to doing flashbacks. Flashforwards are interesting, but they all seem to be telling the same story.

I liked that Aaron is off the island and under Kate's care. It opens up a lot of room for theorizing. My resources on the internet seem unsure whether or not he is one of the Oceanic Six. As of right now I'm counting him as number 5. Michael is still number 6. Before I jump into my theories, though, I want to just mention that the kid playing Aaron had a really big head. I wonder if he is related.

Most of my theories have to do with Claire and Jack. I think Jack doesn't want to see Aaron because he feels responsible for leaving Claire behind when he could have easily rescued her. He might even know that Claire is his sister and Aaron his nephew, which would only increase his guilt. Maybe that is also part of why Jack becomes so messed up: he's wallowing in a grave sin of omission.

So, why didn't Claire go home?

I think she is acting as Princess Leia to Locke's Jaaba the Hutt. If you remember, they had a bit of a creepy flirtation going on earlier in the series. Maybe Kate tries to rescue Claire, but only manages to smuggle Aaron out of the compound.

Which leads to the final problem: what sort of evil is going to come from Aaron now that Claire isn't raising him. Remember how the medium in Season One told Claire that only she should raise the baby...or else? It will be interesting to see what happens.

Also, did you know in the Bible that Aaron is the great-great grandson of Jacob. Interesting, considering who Aaron Littleton's grandfather is...

Pork Rinds: Deep Fried Miss Piggy

On my twenty-eighth birthday, Sarah gave me a bag of pork rinds. This may seem like an odd gift...and I would have to agree with you. Who gets pork rinds for their birthday?

For that matter, who wants pork rinds for their birthday?

Well, I do. I love pork rinds. I have loved them ever since I first tried them on a Boy Scout camping trip in 1992. There are not too many scents I enjoy more than that first awful burst of fried piggishness you get when you open up a bag of the porcine delicacy.

Unfortunately, Sarah does not share in my appreciation of the pork rind. The very thought of eating one sends her into a fit of retching. So, you see, it is a big deal when she buys them for me. One could say it is her ultimate sacrifice.

I am only allowed to eat pork rinds twice a year. The first time is usually around the time of my birthday. The second time usually falls around August, during my half-birthday. This time around, however, I have found an ally in Connor. She tried her first pork rind yesterday and has since become hooked on them. Here is how Connor generally asks for one:

Connor: Daddy, can I have a pork rind?
Me: Not right now.
Connor: Please, daddy. I'll die if I don't have a pork rind.
Me: In a little bit.
Connor: Now, daddy! I need a pork rind now! If I can't have a shriveled piece of fried pig skin deliciousness I will die!
Me:Oh no! I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen!
Connor: Please, daddy.
Me: Okay. Here you go.
Connor: Thank you.

Incidentally, some of best pork rinds I ever ate were on my mission. Brazilian pork rinds are much better than American rinds, in many ways. Often they are home made and still have tufts of hair lodged in them. I tolerated the hair, usually. If I had to choose, though, I would pick the hairless variety. Something about the hair is a little disgusting...and it takes a lot to make a pork rind disgusting.

In honor of the noble rind, I am posting for a limited time my only film containing pork rinds. Their role in the film is my tribute to their greatness.

Incidentally, this film was made in Utah in August 2004, while Sarah was back in Cincinnati visiting her family. I had the apartment to myself...and a lot of time on my hands. It is part of a six episode series I wrote over the course of three years. Enjoy.

LOST Theories to End All Theories: Part Three

Well, it appears that my predictions about Michael have not yet come to fruition. Nevertheless, I am convinced that he is the man on the boat and a member of the Oceanic Six.

I was a little disappointed with last night's episode, primarily because of the gimmicky ending. It seemed like it was trying a little too hard to have a "Planet of the Apes" ending, if you know what I mean (Ben's off-screen voice; the sinister panning of the camera to reveal Ben's menacing face! Give me a break!). The final appearance of Ben, however, suggests that he (along with Sayid and who knows who else) later attempts a Second Purge of Oceanic/DHARMA, presumably because of the "Payback" that is now in its early stages.

I think it is also becoming clear that Locke means business. My theory that the island will erupt in a violent civil war between the two 815 factions now seems more than reasonable.

So, was Sayid's girlfriend on the phone with Matthew Abaddon, the man who hired Naomi and visited Hurley in the asylum?

Also, I've decided to quit making predictions about the Oceanic Six. I'd rather not embarrass myself any further. That said, my prediction about Michael place among the Six still stands.

LOST Theories to End All Theories: Part Two

Well, I have changed my mind about the Oceanic Six. Here is the new revised list:

1. Jack
2. Kate
3. Hurley
4. Michael
5. Locke
6. Ben

Speaking of Michael, here are some Michael predictions:

• Michael is Ben's man on the boat.
• Michael is the man in the coffin.
• Michael is from New York.
• Michael betrayed his friends, which is why Kate didn't attend the funeral.
• The funeral appeared to occur in a predominately African American neighborhood in Los Angeles.
  
• Michael will be the focus of the next episode.
• Walt is dead. Michael is being manipulated by Ben.

In other matters, the appearance of the fake Oceanic 815 in an ocean trench off the coast of Indonesia only confirms the theory that Oceanic is not what it claims to be. Again, I believe the airline is a front for the DHARMA Initiative, which has returned to the island for payback. If you remember, the trunk Jack, Kate, and Dan found contained gas masks. That makes me think they want to do to the Others what the Others did to them.

Lastly, my big question is not about the mysterious polar bear buried in the sands of Tunisia, but about the identity of Daniel's wife. When you watch the episode again, notice how the camera intentionally avoids showing us her face. That leads me to believe it is someone we already know. Her are a few possibilities:

• Helen, Locke's ex-girlfriend.
• Rachel, Juliet's sister.
• Jessica, Mary Jo, or any other of Sawyer's former love interests.
• Sarah Shephard, Jack's ex-wife.

Well, that's it for this week folks. Let me know what you think.

Nother: A Violence to the English Language

Over the past year I have graded several hundred freshman essays. While there is much that irritates me about freshman writing, nothing is worse than their love of the word "nother." Here is the word used in a sentence:

"The unfairness of the current minimum wage is a whole nother issue."

Chances are you have used this abomination yourself. It is fairly common in American conversation. I am sure a few of you have even used it more than once in a day. Admittedly, I have used it more than once in a day as well--but only in conversation. Nother, like the word crap, should only be used in conversation. Unlike crap, though, it should never be written--even in informal writing, like e-mails or post-it notes.

When you think about it, nother works fine in conversation. For the most part, it slips through conversation unnoticed. But when you put it on paper, its complete ridiculousness shines through. Think about it. Write it out yourself and tell me it doesn't look as fake as George Washington's teeth.

Nother.

It sounds like something out of a second rate fantasy novel: "Suddenly, Beoryin peered through his shimmering visor and descried the glacial gaze of a small, furry nother."

Clearly, nother works better as a made-up creature than a made-up word. Please folks, the next time you are tempted to use nother in written communication, do yourself a favor and use its more correct alternative: another. It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is add an "a." And don't make things worse by writing "a whole another." That's counterproductive. One might even say it makes a whole nother problem.

(See how stupid it looks?)

LOST Theories to End All Theories: Part One

Oceanic Airlines is a cover for the DHARMA initiative, which has been searching for the island ever since the Purge and subsequent communication jamming efforts. During its “commercial” flights over the Pacific, DHARMA/Oceanic has been conducting search missions and blind airdrops. That is why the islanders have received DHARMA supplies without any further contact from DHARMA.

Christian Shephard is at the center of everything. He was once Jacob, the immortal, reclusive leader of the Others. Several years before the DHARMA initiative arrived on the island, Christian/Jacob secretly escaped to the outside world, where he fathered several children and developed a drinking problem similar to the one his son Jack later develops. Meanwhile, on the island, the Others continue their worship of him, thinking he is still there. They teach this religion to Ben, who exploits it. Christian/Jacob, meanwhile, travels back and forth to Sydney trying to find the island—again, like Jack later tries to do. On his final trip there, he “dies.” He remains in a death-like state until his body reaches the island, where it gains new strength. He retreats back to his cabin, only to discover the island is much stronger than when he left it? The island now holds him prisoner.

The secret the Oceanic Six must keep is the bloodbath the island becomes. Oceanic/DHARMA will only allow Jack off the island if he agrees to let them get revenge for the Purge. Consequently, Civil War breaks out between Locke’s group, including the Others, and Jack’s group. Jack and Ben will come to an understanding, and Jack will be instrumental in saving Ben from the Oceanic Purge. During this fight, Jack will also free his father from the island.

Naomi and Cindy, the flight attendant, are sisters (remember what Naomi said about her sister?). Both work for Oceanic/DHARMA. Cindy has taken on the role of spy. She will be instrumental in Oceanic’s slaughter of the Other, who will eventually be seen as the show’s greatest victims.

Ben is the man in the coffin. Only Jack comes to an ultimate understanding with him, which is why he is the only one to attend the funeral.

More to come.